The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Blowing Up The Middle East

Posted on 13 September, 2012


How did one moron manage to fuck shit up so badly?  There is no way buffoonery of this magnitude can be perpetrated by a normal human being.  It’s one of those cosmic fuckups, where your scheme seems so brilliant, but the universe pulls the whole thing out of your grasp just to make you watch as it piles your plan with dynamite and detonates it in the local Orphanage for Blind and Abused Infants.  “I hope you learned your lesson!” the Universe scolds, as it leaves you a broken shell of a human being, grasping for meaning in an existence that now seems like nothing but a hollow void.  We’ve all been there.

Hubble Telescope Image of some galaxies

“My vastness makes a mockery of your feeble insignificance.”

Maybe Sam Bacile was originally destined for greatness.  He claimed to want to find the Muslim menace in his community and root it out.  Like a mad superhero, he concocted a genius plan to use a movie (originally titled “Innocence of bin Laden”, later changed to “Innocence of Muslims”) in order to bring all of those Osama bin Laden loving killers in our midst to the tiny Vine Theater in Los Angeles.  What he intended to do when they all converged is as yet unclear but if that was his aim, with their treachery uncovered, he must have had a thrilling conclusion in mind.

But there’s more to Sam Bacile’s story than this brilliant plan.  Federal authorities have confirmed that the Sam Bacile the unpaid actors and film crew knew and loved is actually the Nakoula Basseley Nakoula nobody knows or cares about.  Well, the federal authorities probably care, because Nakoula Basseley Nakoula is on parole for bank fraud, and using the internet without approval is a parole violation.  Woops!

It seems that supposed would-be world’s-dumbest anti-Muslim superhero Nakoula Nakoula has a history of using secret identities to commit fraud for personal gain; the cynic might refer to them as “aliases”.  The cynic might also wonder if Nakoula Nakoula wasn’t just up to his same old habits.  It’s not much of a stretch at all, since getting funding for a fake production is a con as old as money and art, and this is a person clearly not averse to scams, shams, schemes, flimflams, put-ons, or con jobs.

Steven Klein

Ignorant right-wing extremist and part-time Wilford Brimley stunt double, Steven Klein

Nobody has yet come forward to say that they put money into the film production (who would, at this point?), and maybe the scam hadn’t quite gotten that far, but if it was a con, he knew exactly who his marks were.  If it hadn’t gone the way it did, it would probably be worth celebrating in its own way.  Pastor Terry Jones (yes, that Pastor Terry Jones) and far-right anti-Muslim militant Steve Klein have been connected to this movie, the perfect hayseed gullible marks for a con that costs no money for the culprit, only time.  Even if they were the only two marks, the overhead on this scam is so small that they wouldn’t have to contribute much money at all for Nakoula Nakoula to come out ahead.

Terry Jones

Terry Jones.
Seriously.. what is up with the facial hair on these freaks?

So far so good for Nakoula, since it looked like his little plan was up and running, and he was sure to get a payoff, whether it be exposing treacherous Muslim extremists in our midst or cashing in on gullible morons.  Oh, but what a difference Arabic subtitles make!  Once the version of his video edited with appropriate Arabic translations appeared in YouTube, there was no going back for Nakoula Nakoula.  Not only did his naive marks take the bait, but the Muslim world did as well, exploding way out of this simpleton’s ability to control.  It’s The Producers, but more so.  Like, if instead of singing about Hitler and making a bunch of money, someone stands up and starts shooting at fellow audience members on opening night.

You or I couldn’t have predicted it, so there is absolutely no way this imbecile had the foresight to put the current political firestorm into the list of possible conclusions to his idiotic caper.  It’s been two days and you’ve already got one political football, at least three different violent protests, and some people who straight up got killed halfway around the world, including Ambassador Chris “The Man With One of The Worst Jobs in The World” Stevens, out of one dumb con/totally-legit-propaganda-movie for ignorant social retards. We all feel like sometimes we can’t win for losing, but I can say with confidence that I have yet to accidentally spark an international controversy that results in people’s deaths.

It takes a special kind of down-and-out loser to fail this spectacularly.  To not only come away with nothing, or down a few hundred bucks, but to end up killing people around the world and causing unrest and chaos that it may take years to repair.  That’s the kind of perfectly catastrophic misjudgment that lets you know the universe gives precisely zero fucks about human aims and ambitions.  You never know what chain of events your actions will cause to unfold, but I think most people can accept that people can make mistakes.  What I think is less forgivable about little Nakoula’s big escapade is the reckless stupidity.  We as a society should have had some way to put a brake on his idiocy before it could spiral out of control.  We definitely haven’t, don’t, and won’t, since we elected someone much like him (twice!) to be President.  So, until we do find a way to keep the cretins from harming themselves or others, we will likely see more of these little Nakoula Nakoulas and Terry Joneses sprouting up everywhere, making all kinds of trouble while we pay the price.